6:00 am - 11:00 am:
6:00 am: Tom and Jerry Marathon
Cat and mouse beat each other with heavy and dangerous objects, Perfect for young children.

10:00 am: Good Morning with Gummi
Gummi Googles makes funny noises for a full hour, filling children with the joy of toilet humor.

6:00 am - 11:00 am:
6:00 am: Stop, Look, Listen
How to make people watch the tv shows you make. Pro advertising techniques not to be missed. Presented by Joe Langley.

7:00 am: Scooby Does Buffy
The dog had too many Scooby snacks and got lost up Sarah Michelle Gellar's skirt. Hilarious comedy with wonderful out takes. *****

9:00 am: Waking up to the Alarm
Hour long alarm bell to try and wake up all those who are already late for work.

10:00 am: Ariel
Animated mermaid washes clothes and dishes, good advice for young girls.

10:30 am: Ariel 2
She does the ironing

6:00 am - 11:00 am:
6:00 am: Wake me up before you Go Go
Early morning interviews where b-list celebrities perform karaoke to old songs that you only ever hear at school discos and weddings. This week there is a boy george combined with YMCA break dance routine theme. Special guest Martha Stewart.

10:00 am: Klue Klux
A message from our sponsors. Die. Kill. Beat.

10:10 am: Black Pride
Documentary educating people about the dangers of racism and the misconception that all black people are raving mad men that would mug you if it were dark.

11:00 am - 3:00pm:
11:00 am: Fuck School
A useful message to all those retards who think missing school is hip and cool. Watch and learn cause you missed your sex education.

11:25 am: Pufferfish Swallows
Daytime Soap drama based at a Sushi Bar in Mexico. Bronko gets a hip operation.

12:05 pm: MOVIE: What do you mean no child support?
Loving drama about a young man who accidentally makes a teen pregnant and refuses to pay any form of support, ****.

2:00 pm: MOVIE: Uber Fridge
Fat woman has no space for more food. Buys Uber Fridge. Exciting adventures as she gathers cash needed to purchase this piece of junk, *.

11:00 am - 3:00pm:
11:00 am: Monty Mell
Daytime chat show
"My cat gave birth to my kids"

11:30 am: Monty Mell
Daytime chat show
"I wish I could fly but I broke my leg on my last attempt"

12:00 am: Opera
Daytime chat show
"Listen darling, you're fat, get over it"

12:30 pm: Friggin Bastard
Daytime chat show
"I only shot you in the foot"

1:00 pm: MOVIE: Get off your ass, get out and get a job
Heart warming comedy about a lazy husband that refuses to do any form of work, **

3:00 pm: One of those Slashers
Behind the scenes look at the creating of the intricate rolls of back stabbing murderers in recent horror flicks.

11:00 am - 3:00pm:
11:00 am: Science Project
Children, today we are learning how to make MDMA with flour, eggs, pancakes, a mass spectrometer, bunsen burner and crystal x-ray diffraction generator. Presented by Carol Vorderman.

12:00 am: Alphabet Sing-a-long
Learn the alphabet in a special way. Be unique and sing it in a random and uncontrolled manner. Make fun words that rhyme like 'DUCK', 'SUCK' and 'HOMOSEXUAL ASS RAPE'.

12:30 pm: Panpipe-athon
Listen to the under 4s Panpipe Orchestra of Loughborough street, Greater Manchester.

1:00 pm: Symble-MIME
Old woman in red dress holds symbolic white bells while miming Macbeth to the tune of 'The Cartoons - Witch Doctor'.

1:10 pm: Artsy Fartsy
New Age Art, red circles on white squares, red squares on white circles and old teddy bears watching live autopsies.

1:50 pm: MOVIE: No Father, No, Not the Barbie Doll
Father brutally removes head of plastic doll in order to use as make-shift paint brush, to paint the insides of his 'construct your own' titanic, with extra gaping whole and blue watering can. Original. *****

4:00 pm - 7:00 pm:
4:00 pm: Girl Fucks Gunter
A random girl every week with a random object. This week its Mandy and a long broom named Gunter.

4:10 pm: KIDS TV
Rat Bags are home: Short animated sequence.
Be nice he's a bully: Tommy gives the nice bully his lunch money and gets beaten up.
Tak: Molded Goop that watches you.
Chums: Children's drama explaining how female friends can screw you over and take your money.
Make It: How to make a tree house using your dad's power tools.
Backyard Babes: Teen drama for the more mature child. Discussing issues such as mud wrestling and how to make daisy chains.

6:00 pm: Deerhurst Avenue
Ongoing drama about a family of five who hate each other, want to kill each other and have strong accents. Watched by millions, loved by few.

6:30 pm: Bring your Spade
Garden recreation lesson 02:
How to bury a corpse without the dog digging it up.

4:00 pm - 7:00 pm:
4:00 pm: Chase the Buck
Fun Quiz show where contestants chase a rampaging donkey with $5 bills on its genitalia.

4:30 pm: Wipe it Clean
Answer questions, get money then do what the host says, or you wont get it. No lawsuits allowed.

5:30 pm: Similar Memo
Romance. Man and Woman get same memo from boss. Mix up. True Love. The End.

6:30 pm: Can't Cook
Buy the most obscure food imaginable. Fry it and make the audience eat it. Most food poisoning wins a $100 vegetable hamper.

4:00 pm - 7:00 pm:
4:05 pm: Fuck this
Audience members pass random objects to the front where a team of hot female blondes get ready to make with the array of items that appear. This weeks items include a stuffed pony, a bowl of Fruit Loops, a headless barbie doll and a car tyre.

4:50 pm: Fuck this: Male Version
As a result of complaints about certain male members of our team being sexist, NSN has setup a male version of this quiz show.

4:52 pm: MOVIE: Gold Fingers cause Hypothermia
007 unfoils an evil plan. Seduces some lady friends. Kills a short chinese man. Inadvertently starts a nuclear war. Gets stuck in a walk in freezer and catches hypothermia. **

6:30 pm: Fags Suck Cock
An alternative view at homosexuality, from the point of view of a straight male. This one sided show fully discusses all the points one needs to know on whether or not being gay is morally right, natural and above all, painful.

7:00 pm - 12:00 pm:
7:00 pm: Cops Bang you Up
Thrilling real-life drama. Watch cops chase, beat up and mame wild dogs that can drive cars the wrong side of the road. Astonishing!

8:00 pm: Dorothy Does it
Watch Dorothy talk to her neighbor about the noisy bin men, overpriced milk and cab fares and more, while she washes her shit stained undies. Warning: Strong Language.

9:00 pm: MOVIE: Kick the Shit out of People with Style, like Kung Fu 8
Evening action movie about a one armed ex-fighter pilot turned boxer who takes revenge for the death of his late great great grandmother who died as a result of the boer war, ***

11:00 pm: Hardcore Fuck Fest
Its raining cats and dogs tonight

7:00 pm - 12:00 pm:
7:00 pm: MOVIE: Babe, Bitch in the Pantry
Happy Holidays with friends, slapstick comedy and all round goofs, spooks and CGI Spiders crawling all over people. ***

9:30 pm: Pop Idolizer
Make teens queue up for hours in the cold and rain. Make them sing. Humiliate them, destroy their dreams and send them packing. Winner gets a maximum 1 year of stardom then ridicule and abuse.

10:30 pm: Pop Idolizer Extras
Watch the losers cry. Watch the winners boast and watch them all try to pretend they have musical talent. This week we follow Gary the ginger haired boy that is a fan of Steps, O-Townie Country Boy and GWAR.

7:00 pm - 12:00 pm:
7:00 pm: Incest Investigators
Ex-Cops go under cover in the search of 'things that cannot be bought on the everyday market'. From the producers of Cops Bang you Up, currently on NSNTV01, which is much better.

7:30 pm: Cucumber Encounters Knife VIII Preview
Preview to tonight's movie.

8:00 pm: Cucumber Encounters Knife VIII Preview B
Second preview to tonight's premier.

8:30 pm: MOVIE: Cucumber Encounters Knife VIII
A slasher flick from the late 90s. Man in mask with big knife killing more and more people. This one has a twist (Its the TV Show Co-host).
Caution: Watching this programme makes you an opinionless sheep that walks backwards onto a railroad track.

11:00 pm: Porn made by Women
An exciting new look at porn, made by thirty seven year old cardigan wearing women who play backgammon and tiddlywinks in their spare time.

12:00 pm - 6:00 am:
12:00 pm: Give Me a Light
Drama based entirely in the dark.

1:00 am: I wish it was 1886
Memoirs of the past with PORN.

2:00 am: REPEAT: Uber Fridge

4:00 am: REPEAT: REPEAT
Comic ringing of church bells over and over again for a full two hours. Harmonious!

12:00 pm - 6:00 am:
12:00 pm: Live Life Loud
How to live your life with extreme volumes of music around you at all times.

1:00 am: Mr Motivator's Late Night Workout
Pump those muscles to the max for a full 5 hours. Perfect for when you can't sleep. Also good for torture.

12:00 pm - 6:00 am:
12:00 pm: Shit.
Live camera located in the toilet of an East London night club.

3:00 am: REPEAT: Cucumber Encounters Knife VIII